About two months ago, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer spend too much time and effort writing on this tumblr. And now, here I am, breaking that promise.
Life has been….interesting to say the least. I’ve recently learned much about myself, and much of which I never realized before. I’ve been seeing my vices and hesitations so much more lately, and it’s really a bit frightening and unsettling to be coming to the realization of all of this at the ripe age of 23. I guess Buzzfeed was kinda right….between the uncertainty in life’s path and the assumption of what will only be called as “grown-up responsibilities,” 23 seems to be a really rough year.
Today was one of those days that I got to sit back and take it all in, one of those days that have become so rare ever since we left the comforts of our college apartments. It was baptism Sunday at church today, and for whatever reason, sitting through service and listening to those seven testimonies hit me a lot harder this time. And I think I took away two truths
1. College fellowship, for all its weaknesses and imperfections, is so much more than the collection of benefits and drawbacks that we so generically attribute to it. If it wasn’t for how these imperfect people loved other imperfect people, then many of us would probably be in a much different place. And that is a truth that if so often lost to me, as I get caught up in the things in between. Things will always happen here and there but don’t lose focus on “the big picture” (as it has been called many times in my life).
2. Something so insignificant can go such a long way. it’s so easy to write off those daily interactions we have with one another because, well….they are just daily interactions that come along with being in relationship with one another. But we all remember different things, and the smallest gesture one day can make such a difference down the line.
I was in quite the contemplative mood on the long drive home, and still at a family gathering. I realized that in the midst of all of my life’s frustrations and insecurities, there are things in the world that are so much greater. And I would do well to remember that.
Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve managed to verbalize the ins and outs of my life. But the truth is, there hasn’t been much to say, at least not from an outside perspective. It’s funny and interesting, though, how boredom and uneventfulness on the outside can cause my mind and emotions and motivations and whatnot to wander in all sorts of directions.
A few months ago, in the summer, I wrote about how I was scared of the immediate future. I had never been one to take solitude well, and I was terrified that an extended amount of time spent alone and away from people would quickly begin to wear on me. But to be honest, my life has more or less been months of monotony for now, and I…am doing okay. Sure it kinda sucks sitting around alone for most of the days while almost everyone else is either at work or at school or doing their own thing. I’ve
developed settled into a weekday routine of watching TV on a set schedule, with the occasional (5-minute) drive to Rubio’s or Wingstop on Tuesday to grab some lunch, if only for the purpose of getting out and about for a bit. I guess the good, or bad, news is that after months of mild discouragement and something between being motivated and being apathetic, I will finally be working in the next few weeks. I think I’m happy and excited about that. I’ve mentioned to people that I’m tired of doing nothing, but at the same time, I’m pretty sure that I will go back to missing it once my life becomes monotonous in a different way. bleh.
I think anticipation is the thing that has been keeping me going. In the midst of nothing, I find myself looking forward to the planned events of the future, counting off days until I will have something to do here or there. Lunch with a friend. Christmas. Seeing a movie. Vegas. Snowboarding. Etc, etc. Until then though, it’s still more of the same. Sometimes, it gets a little difficult when there’s nothing going on for a few weeks, and I end up binge watching a season of Friends in two week’s time all off of TV reruns. I’ve even started compiling a list of why Rachel the character is not a very good person. I spent a good amount of time cleaning and reorganizing my room (which was years overdue), but, alas, that has to be completed at some point in the future.
One good thing that I hope will become a great thing is that I seemed to have rekindled some inkling of motivation to stay fit. Between sitting on my chair for so long that the cushion is no longer soft anymore is not exactly the healthiest lifestyle and hearing the word 胖 associated with me for the first time, I’ve been more determined to stay in shape, which means running more, eating less (and better), and generally trying to live more healthy. No, I don’t think that I’m 胖 (but I am no longer unquestionably 瘦), nor do I take it personally or offensively when someone mentions it, but I do think that I could do a bit more to take care of myself. It’s a longshot, but I hope to complete a 10-miler soon for the first time in forever.
I’ve been spending more time on Twitter and Instagram lately. In some weird and somewhat sad way, they have become some of the most constant sources of connection with the rest of the world. Facebook is too big, too unfiltered, a network where most posts don’t elicit any reaction from me. But…even if I’m not doing much, it’s somewhat cathartic sifting through the Twitter-feed, seeing the latest rumors on UCLA coaching changes or what has been going on in the eSports world. Or even just scrolling through IG and seeing what some of my friends are up to and where they are and who they’re with and what they’re eating. Maybe this is just how it’ll be for a long time and I just have to finish acclimating. And these things will be a bit more meaningful, because soon my free time will be much more limited. Now that I think of it, I’m kinda looking forward to that. Having less time, so that what time I do have is that much more precious. Interesting how that works.
Anyways, I think that’s it for now. The holidays are here, and I always loved the wintertime, with all the opportunities to hang out with friends and family and just warm feelings all around. Alright, gonna go back to finish these last two Friends reruns of the night.
Until next time,
hahaha my college freshmen year-self was so hilariously immature
It’d be nice if I could learn to appreciate those moments of insomnia, a time when it’s just me, my thoughts, and the endless boundaries of my imagination and desires and wants and fears. It seems like it’s be a good time for some self-introspection, but alas, all I can be bothered with is the idea of falling asleep. How unfortunate.
Relationships: A Mess Worth Making
Timothy Lane, Paul Tripp
Thanks for the reading Beacon staff
Post-graduation blues has evolved into unemployment blues