Weird how I seem to have no motivation, yet I seemingly should have all the motivation in the world
A few minutes ago, I made a post with an image of a tweet sent out by one of those “Christian rock-star preachers” that is generally well-liked and respected among our circles, a tweet that I found deeply disturbing. I ended up deleting the post because I didn’t want to incite any debates or arguments about his character. But, I guess, this is my takeaway from it all.
No matter how great of a speaker, or preacher, or teacher someone is, or how much of a following he has, you would do yourself a disservice to forget that they are every bit as flawed as the rest of us.
It’s just one of those days where I feel like writing against my better judgement. It’s 11:14 on a Sunday night, which basically means its my most dreaded time of the week, when I have to face the prospect of waking up Monday morning for another week of work. This week, in particular, looks even more daunting than usual as there is much more than usual that needs to get done.
But anyways, here goes.
On my professional life:
Work is work, and there is not much more to it than that.
I started studying for the GRE’s again after over a month of slacking. It was pretty fortunate to find out that my friend is home for the month studying for his Step 1, hopefully he can keep me accountable. The studies are tedious and boring, as they always have been, and it get’s pretty frustrating when I make mistakes that I shouldn’t be making. But I guess there is some solace in knowing that my mistakes are just a matter of oversight and not a lack of knowledge, at least so far. I want to take my test sometime in September hopefully, which means that I really gotta cram like hell in the next few weeks. It’s funny, I spent about 16 years of my life becoming the master of cram, and now, a year removed from school, I’m nervous that I’ve lost that “skill.” haha
The weird thing is that I feel like I’m taking a step down a path that I’m not even sure if is right or not. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing right now forever; that much is evident. But I get really envious of those who know exactly what they want to do. In some sense, it’s such a…relief….to see your goal and know what you need to do to work towards it. Soon, hopefully.
On my personal life:
A couple of us got the opportunity to go down to San Diego for the day yesterday to visit an old friend from college. It’s always nice just to see people living their post-grad lives doing whatever their doing. Over this past year, while it is true that we have all drifted away from many of the friends we had in school, the friendships that remained are stronger than ever. I’ve always been very blessed to have great friend groups, but I think I still took it for granted. Somewhere, through all the happy hours and the Vegas trips and the beach houses and the random meals and the karaoke sessions and 4-mile runs, I realized how fortunate I am to have the friends I have. It’s nice to be able to come home from work or to go into the weekend being excited to go get some froyo with old high school friends or visit college friends up in LA. It makes the monotony of life so much more bearable. Last week, over dinner at KBBQ, one friend made the profound statement, “I love our group.” I didn’t disagree.
Yeah, we don’t see each other every day, or see each other in class all the time, but the beauty of this stage of life is that everyone needs to put in that effort to maintain these relationships. And when we put in that effort, then it is worth it all that much more.
Friendship. It’s a wonderful thing
On spiritual life:
A little while back, I wrote a bit about how I didn’t see the beauty of college fellowship until after I had left. And right now, I feel like I’m entering a transition-period and could really use that accountability and support. But in the same vein, I wonder if I would be in this transition if I still had that safety net. Maybe this is a test of faith, a way to nudge me towards greater sanctification. It’s scary, and it makes me nervous, but I guess some degree of uncertainty is better than complacency. Heh. I think I’m starting to understand how people fall away during this stage of life. Things just become so…busy and hectic. And no, that should never be an excuse, but I can see why it is so tempting. Which is why we must cling on to our faith all that much more.
-I should start saving money
-I miss Disneyland. And UCLA. And snowboarding. And about 4892 other things
-It’d be nice to have a day where I can stay up until sunrise and be delirious.
-Maybe a few other things, but I’m tired now and it’s getting late
Until next time friends, take care
Shoot, motivation to study sure is hard to come by these days
These quarter-life crises are becoming more frequent.
The frustrating thing about this stage of life is the unpredictability, or, more specifically, the lack of stability. I’m 23 years old damn it, and I am still struggling to figure out what I want in the future. And seeing so many people around me who appear to have their life together - whether they actually do or not - makes the pressure that much greater. I know that, as fresh graduates, barely a year removed from college, we’re supposed to be paying our dues to society and, quite simply, sucking it up. But is it really supposed to be this hard? To be struggling so hard, discouragement building up, just to get by. And part of me will always wonder if I am just being a little pansy about everything, but another part of me wants to believe that I am just facing issues that, while they may be new to me, are an ordinary part of our continued maturation.
Stuck in a rut, and motivation is hard to come by, and I hate myself for that. I think I’m slowly figuring out what I don’t want to do, but when the possibilities are endless, that isn’t exactly very helpful. Sometimes, I really don’t know what the next step should be. I guess one good thing is that I am learning quite a bit about myself, and my wants and desires and vices. I wish I could just take a week, or two, or a month off from life and just retreat to where I was a year or two years or five years ago, when things didn’t matter and we all had the opportunity just to sit back and breathe, Just breathe in and out, and watch as the day passes you by. Not without a care in the world, but without the societal and personal pressures that embody the nowadays.
sigh, press on I suppose.
May 2009: 5 AP tests
May 2010: First year of college winding down, StarCraft II beta released and I start binge-playing
May 2011: LA Family House and my first real experience an incredibly annoying digestion sickness
May 2012: Finally picking myself up from one of the roughest patches of my life
May 2013: Waited in line for an hour for my cap and gown
May 2014: Living the corporate, 8-to-5, water cooler-talking, I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing American
dream. Began studying for the GRE’s, and at the bookstore today, saw a bunch of high school kids gathered studying for their AP’s. It’s almost like coming a full circle
Time sure flew by
Just another weekly bout of depression. heh
About two months ago, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer spend too much time and effort writing on this tumblr. And now, here I am, breaking that promise.
Life has been….interesting to say the least. I’ve recently learned much about myself, and much of which I never realized before. I’ve been seeing my vices and hesitations so much more lately, and it’s really a bit frightening and unsettling to be coming to the realization of all of this at the ripe age of 23. I guess Buzzfeed was kinda right….between the uncertainty in life’s path and the assumption of what will only be called as “grown-up responsibilities,” 23 seems to be a really rough year.
Today was one of those days that I got to sit back and take it all in, one of those days that have become so rare ever since we left the comforts of our college apartments. It was baptism Sunday at church today, and for whatever reason, sitting through service and listening to those seven testimonies hit me a lot harder this time. And I think I took away two truths
1. College fellowship, for all its weaknesses and imperfections, is so much more than the collection of benefits and drawbacks that we so generically attribute to it. If it wasn’t for how these imperfect people loved other imperfect people, then many of us would probably be in a much different place. And that is a truth that if so often lost to me, as I get caught up in the things in between. Things will always happen here and there but don’t lose focus on “the big picture” (as it has been called many times in my life).
2. Something so insignificant can go such a long way. it’s so easy to write off those daily interactions we have with one another because, well….they are just daily interactions that come along with being in relationship with one another. But we all remember different things, and the smallest gesture one day can make such a difference down the line.
I was in quite the contemplative mood on the long drive home, and still at a family gathering. I realized that in the midst of all of my life’s frustrations and insecurities, there are things in the world that are so much greater. And I would do well to remember that.
Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve managed to verbalize the ins and outs of my life. But the truth is, there hasn’t been much to say, at least not from an outside perspective. It’s funny and interesting, though, how boredom and uneventfulness on the outside can cause my mind and emotions and motivations and whatnot to wander in all sorts of directions.
A few months ago, in the summer, I wrote about how I was scared of the immediate future. I had never been one to take solitude well, and I was terrified that an extended amount of time spent alone and away from people would quickly begin to wear on me. But to be honest, my life has more or less been months of monotony for now, and I…am doing okay. Sure it kinda sucks sitting around alone for most of the days while almost everyone else is either at work or at school or doing their own thing. I’ve
developed settled into a weekday routine of watching TV on a set schedule, with the occasional (5-minute) drive to Rubio’s or Wingstop on Tuesday to grab some lunch, if only for the purpose of getting out and about for a bit. I guess the good, or bad, news is that after months of mild discouragement and something between being motivated and being apathetic, I will finally be working in the next few weeks. I think I’m happy and excited about that. I’ve mentioned to people that I’m tired of doing nothing, but at the same time, I’m pretty sure that I will go back to missing it once my life becomes monotonous in a different way. bleh.
I think anticipation is the thing that has been keeping me going. In the midst of nothing, I find myself looking forward to the planned events of the future, counting off days until I will have something to do here or there. Lunch with a friend. Christmas. Seeing a movie. Vegas. Snowboarding. Etc, etc. Until then though, it’s still more of the same. Sometimes, it gets a little difficult when there’s nothing going on for a few weeks, and I end up binge watching a season of Friends in two week’s time all off of TV reruns. I’ve even started compiling a list of why Rachel the character is not a very good person. I spent a good amount of time cleaning and reorganizing my room (which was years overdue), but, alas, that has to be completed at some point in the future.
One good thing that I hope will become a great thing is that I seemed to have rekindled some inkling of motivation to stay fit. Between sitting on my chair for so long that the cushion is no longer soft anymore is not exactly the healthiest lifestyle and hearing the word 胖 associated with me for the first time, I’ve been more determined to stay in shape, which means running more, eating less (and better), and generally trying to live more healthy. No, I don’t think that I’m 胖 (but I am no longer unquestionably 瘦), nor do I take it personally or offensively when someone mentions it, but I do think that I could do a bit more to take care of myself. It’s a longshot, but I hope to complete a 10-miler soon for the first time in forever.
I’ve been spending more time on Twitter and Instagram lately. In some weird and somewhat sad way, they have become some of the most constant sources of connection with the rest of the world. Facebook is too big, too unfiltered, a network where most posts don’t elicit any reaction from me. But…even if I’m not doing much, it’s somewhat cathartic sifting through the Twitter-feed, seeing the latest rumors on UCLA coaching changes or what has been going on in the eSports world. Or even just scrolling through IG and seeing what some of my friends are up to and where they are and who they’re with and what they’re eating. Maybe this is just how it’ll be for a long time and I just have to finish acclimating. And these things will be a bit more meaningful, because soon my free time will be much more limited. Now that I think of it, I’m kinda looking forward to that. Having less time, so that what time I do have is that much more precious. Interesting how that works.
Anyways, I think that’s it for now. The holidays are here, and I always loved the wintertime, with all the opportunities to hang out with friends and family and just warm feelings all around. Alright, gonna go back to finish these last two Friends reruns of the night.
Until next time,